Help Your Child Develop a Positive Self-Image

Date updated: July 28, 2008
By Rochelle L. Levy
Content by Revolution Health Group

Hi, Jim Weaver here. Once having been a victim of low self esteem and depression from growing up in an alcoholic dysfunctional home, I found this article online and felt compelled to share with other parents.

Self Image

Self-image is the mental self-portrait we all have of ourselves -- whether we see ourselves as smart or stupid, beautiful or ugly, talented or incompetent. This mental image may be an accurate reflection of who we are, but it might also be distorted and inaccurate. Our self-image affects how we respond to life -- physically, socially, emotionally and spiritually.

Most often, we can credit -- or blame -- our self-image on our parents. More than anyone else, their words and actions influenced how we initially saw ourselves. As we got older, our relationships with other family members, friends and teachers came into play. Fortunately, since self-image changes over time, it is possible to help your child develop a healthy, accurate, positive self-image. As your child learns to accept and love himself, he will allow himself to be accepted and loved by others.

Critiquing our bodies

A big part of self-image is body image. More than just what we think we look like, or how others see our physical being, body image affects our mental health. A poor body image can lead to feelings of inadequacy and anxiety, resulting in eating disorders and even depression. Many children and teens are influenced by media representations of ideal bodies. Children may compare themselves to images of underweight actresses or bulked-up models and develop a negative body image. Puberty can be an especially difficult time, as your child may already feel confused or embarrassed by his or her maturing body.

Instill good habits by serving healthy meals and making regular exercise part of your family's routine.

If your child is concerned about his weight, help him make realistic fitness and nutrition goals, encouraging him to chart his progress.

Never tease your child about her weight or looks.

Be careful how you articulate your own body image. Constantly trying one crash diet after the other, or loudly complaining about this or that body part, will only reinforce your child's own negative body image.

Defining self-esteem

Self-image, including body image, contributes to our self-esteem or self-perception. Self-esteem refers to how much we feel loved, valued and accepted by others, along with how much we love, value and accept ourselves. Those with healthy or high self-esteem appreciate their own worth and are able to take pride in their abilities and accomplishments. Those with unhealthy or low self-esteem feel disliked, unaccepted and incompetent. Body image issues are often linked to self-esteem, particularly for teenagers who are worried about how friends and classmates see them.

The significance of parental involvement

Just like self-image, self-esteem is ever changing. As your child lives through new experiences, his or her self-esteem will fluctuate. Whether your child has high or low self-esteem, it's vital that you accept her for who she is and help her feel as good about herself as possible. Knowing that you accept and believe in her is the single most important factor for maintaining your child's self-esteem. A balance between feeling loved and feeling capable is vital to developing healthy self-esteem. Your relationship with your teen -- and how she sees herself -- influences her decisions about drinking, drugs, sex and how she reacts to peer pressure. Teens who enjoy open and regular communication with their parents more often want to live up to their parents' expectations and guidelines.

Signs of healthy self-esteem

According to a national study undertaken by SADD (Students Against Destructive Decisions), teens with healthy self-esteem -- and whose parents set and enforce behavioral guidelines -- are much less likely to drink and use drugs. Only 30 percent of high school teens whose parents provide a strong level of guidance have used drugs, while less than half (47 percent) of those with strong parental guidance have used alcohol. In contrast, 48 percent of those whose parents do not provide strong guidance have used drugs, while 80 percent have used alcohol.

Teens who enjoy positive parental relationships feel respected by and close to their parents. They see themselves as smart, successful, responsible and confident. A child with high self-esteem is social, happily taking part in both group and individual activities. He's good at finding solutions to challenges. He's mostly optimistic, accepting his strengths and weaknesses. Instead of saying, "I'm stupid," a child with high self-esteem says, "I don't understand this." A teen with high self-esteem does better in school, has better relationships with both peers and adults, and is more likely to see a task or activity to completion. He also has an easier time making friends and dealing with mistakes or failures -- and is able to take ownership of those mistakes or failures -- is better at resisting peer pressure and feels happier in general with his life.

Signs of unhealthy self-esteem

While children with low self-esteem may believe they don't possess the qualities they admire, the fact is that they often do -- but their warped self-image prevents them from seeing it. They may not want to try new things and tend to be overly self-critical and disappointed in themselves. "I can't" is their immediate answer to many challenges, easily giving in to frustration. Children with low self-esteem may withdraw from friends and activities, turn to alcohol and drugs, become depressed and even hurt themselves. In that case, you should get professional help from a family or child counselor. If you and your teen are unable to communicate effectively, consider turning to teachers, coaches or relatives.

Building self-esteem and positive self-image

You can make a huge difference in how your teen perceives him or herself by accepting and affirming him or her, fostering independence and autonomy, and helping to instill confidence. Show your acceptance by being physically and emotionally available. Hug your child every day and regularly say, "I love you." Do this privately if your child is older and uncomfortable with affection in front of friends.

Give your child your undivided attention when he wants to talk. Do your best to attend activities or events, and schedule specific mealtimes, particularly if a busy work schedule or a family issue is cutting into the time you spend together. Be emotionally present by allowing your teen to openly express feelings and then accept those feelings without judgment. Help her to process those feelings before offering your own perception. And use "I" statements to share your own feelings.

Support independence by allowing your teen to make her own decisions, as long as she follows established guidelines and principles. Even if you disagree, respect her opinions and encourage her to express them. She needs to learn self-awareness by problem-solving and figuring out consequences on her own. Let her have the space to discover what gives her life meaning and purpose, apart from your own viewpoint. Also, respect her physical privacy, by letting her retreat to the safe haven of her bedroom. Show you trust her by respecting the privacy of her phone conversations and e-mails. Prove your own trustworthiness, by keeping your promises.

Learning from mistakes

Help your teen feel confident by letting him know it's normal to make mistakes, and that we can learn from them. Share some of your own mistakes. Teach your teen basic life skills, like cooking and cleaning. Let him take on responsibilities and tasks without constantly checking up on his progress. Expose him to volunteer opportunities -- helping others often makes people feel better about themselves. Let your teen choose activities that match his unique interests or talents, rather than forcing your interests on him. Assure your child that, while being different can certainly be difficult during adolescence, it's a valued trait to have as an adult. Avoid comparing him to siblings or classmates. Don't yell or speak harshly when correcting behavior. And make sure you praise and offer feedback not just for positive behavior and actions, but also for effort.

Loneliness and insecurity may lead to low self-esteem (and vice-versa), so feeling accepted and loved by family, friends and groups, such as sports teams or religious organizations, is key. Teach your family members to trust each other, believe in each other and stick up for one another, while respecting each member's individual differences. Spend time together, show affection and encourage strengths rather than criticizing weaknesses. Your child's sense of self is created and continues to develop at home, so establish a supportive, nurturing, positive environment. Your teen looks to you for validation and approval -- and nobody will ever love your child the way you do. So help him or her become the best person possible.